roast

Transcript from Scott’s Bachelor Weekend ROAST

The following is a general transcript from my roast of Scott during his bachelor party weekend earlier this month.

You can see the full 4 minute video at the following Instagram TV link.

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Thanks to Scott, were all thrilled and blessed to be here this weekend. It’s exactly where we all wanted to be… ya know, besides the fact that there’s no phone, practically no air conditioning, no grocery store in town, cows up and down the road… and not a single female within a 100 mile radius of here! Just beautiful. What a dream fucking weekend, boys.

We know we know, Scott’s in love.  He doesn’t NEED any women to join him while he’s with the boys.  He’d rather sit around in a secluded shit hole all weekend and listen to Kurt brag how good he is at poker…and practically everything else in life.  Real nice, Scott.

Ya know, Kurt, if someone’s gonna brag about anything, it should be Scott bragging about his soon-to-be-wife’s beautiful cantaloupes.  Not your fucking poker games.

In fact, the only thing similar between poker and this weekend is this FULL HOUSE. That’s it!  Not even the toilets FLUSH.  Well, at least we have Tredente, PJ, Rizk, and Relic… 4 OF A KIND… shmucks.  And they’re not even STRAIGHT!

Look at Scott. He thinks everyone here is laughing at this dumb speech.  Little does he know we’re all just laughing in utter shock that someone is actually dumb enough to marry this motherfucker.  We are literally drinking and celebrating Jen’s poor decision in men.  This is amazing.

Oh man, last time I had this much fun was about 15 years ago when we were in our early twenties, and when Scott had the maturity level of a twelve year old.  The only difference 15 years later is…well, absolutely nothing.

I mean, what 37 or 38 year old puts posters of Stipe Miocic on his wall?  Thank God Stipe declined his wedding invite.  Ya know, now that I think about it, Stipe must’ve known something we don’t.  I’m beginning to realize that we are actually all the dumb motherfuckers stuck celebrating this fool.

Last time I drove three hours just to suffer was NEVER.

But hey, we’re all good sports and want nothing but the best for our ol’ pal Scotty T.  We can’t wait to see your bond with Jen continue to grow; your family continue to shine; and your marriage prosper.  We know you’ll undoubtedly put Jen first in everything you do in life….well, except for fantasy football Sunday’s every Fall.

Congrats brother.

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